As our students, the new Year 7 cohort and all students, settle into their new year level, there is always a shuffle in friendship groups, maturity levels and the pressure to conform to their peer group.  

The last few weeks we have had a few questions about boys, in particular, and “How do we support our sons?”  “Why are they behaving as if they cannot think for themselves?”  These are all valid questions, and we always encourage open communication and working together to gain the best outcomes of our students and your children.

This week, I have included some tips for supporting your son, from Dr Ian Lilico, Boys Forward Institute.

I hope this helps you understand some of the behaviours your son is demonstrating or maybe confirm that the behaviour he is exhibiting is quite normal for someone his age, or it may be a moment for you to reflect on the best ways of supporting the young men of our future.

We have learned that boys need lots of room in order to get behind the mask of independence and autonomy we call the “Boy Code”. And while they may tell you that they do not need or want your attention, the truth is they do. Boys aren’t likely to want to sit down and have a discussion. They want and need to be active. Take your son hiking, rock climbing or just on a walk. Plan and plant a vegetable garden or volunteer together in your community. Just be together and do something - you will be surprised at how much you learn. 

“Don’t smother him or he will be a sissy” – bad advice mothers are given all the time. Deep, meaningful connections and attachments are a key to a boy’s healthy development. Forcing your son to “buck up” and be a “big boy” doesn’t help a boy who is truly terrified in his heart. Boys won’t show you their fear. Forcing them to be independent only isolates them from their emotions and causes them to pretend independence. After pretending again and again, this bravado becomes all that boys know.

Encouraging the expression of a full and wide range of emotions in your son will only strengthen his ability to handle the challenges that he will face as he grows up. If you are a father, model this for him with your own behaviour. Explain to him how you are feeling and why.

Often when boys are behaving aggressively or responding with anger, they are stifling powerful emotions such as sadness, shame, or fear. When you see aggressive or angry behaviour, look for the pain behind it. Find ways to connect with your son that allow him to share with you the root of the problem. Be an active listener, and by that I mean be active with your son and let him talk.

Boys need to understand that our society today does not offer boys a wide expression of behaviour. Help them understand that when adults say things like “big boys don’t cry” and tell boys that they are “acting like a girl” if they show emotion, these are examples of the way we limit boy behaviour. Empower them by teaching them that they can “march to the beat of a different drummer” and that you will support them in their choice to be unique and pursue their passions, no matter how unconventional.

Becoming a professional athlete or earning lots of money are two conventional representations of successful manhood. There are others. Help your son look around, see the Dad that is volunteering in the classroom, see the man who is an artist, see the boy who recently graduated from Uni and has chosen to be a teacher. These are also real men. Celebrate them for your son.

Once the routine of soccer, basketball and cricket starts, many families forgo the art classes that once inspired their budding Picasso. Don’t give in to convention; help your son express his creativity by keeping up with the art/music/dance classes. Do it together. Or make it a habit to visit art galleries, museums and concerts. If you are inclined towards crafts, do craft projects with your son. I know one father who builds birdhouses with his son. They make it a challenge to be more inventive, colourful and creative with each new project.

Boys are biologically more active than girls. They want and need to move. Rather than try and slow them down, meet them at their own game. Joint projects can result in a combined sense of accomplishment. There is a reason that Dads shoot hoops and play catch with their sons. They understand the need to connect through action.

No one knows your boy better than you do. Trust your instincts. If something does not feel right, it probably isn’t. We often rely on experts to tell us how to “fix” our sons. All advice comes from a point of view – even expert advice. Perhaps it is time to sit back and consider what you feel to be the right course of action and stand by your son.

You do not have to be involved with a specific religious organization to teach your son to honour with gratitude this gift we call life. Teaching boys the wonder of our existence and the wonder of nature around us can be the beginning of a spiritual practice. Your son will thrive with the knowledge that he is part of a great whole and that we are all deeply connected.